White Pearl, Black Oceans

chapter 1

It was one of the coldest, bleakest and stormiest winters that Anthony has ever seen. Even when standing right next to the fire atop of his lighthouse, the cold couldn’t be expelled from his bones.

The year 1798 was coming to an end, and this century was slowly creeping to the next.  Tomorrow would be New Year’s Eve, but for Anthony it wasn’t any more special than any other day. He would only be annoyed from the loud sounds of the festivities going on in the town. He never liked crowds, or people in general for that matter. He was content with the life he had, far away from everybody, as the lighthouse keeper for the harbour of Crestgate.

He was only in his early forties, but looked older. The sea wind has accelerated the greying of his hair, and years of staring at the waves, shielding his eyes from the setting sun have left wrinkles in the corners of his eyes.  Spending his years alone, but never really lonely. Until that summer day, merely a few months ago. When she passed by his lighthouse, riding on a black steed. A summer breeze in her brown hair, heading to the beach a bit further ahead. His gaze had followed her there, and watched her as she pulled up her skirts to let her feet cool in the water. He had felt a huge urge to walk up to her and introduce himself. But he couldn’t. He wasn’t good with people. He could live with the fact that the entire town saw him as a hermit, but not with the idea of the most beautiful woman in town thinking of him as a fool.

She had seen him stare, leaning on the balustrade atop the lighthouse, and gave him a shy smile. Anthony has seen her smiling, and that image has stayed in his mind and heart as if a picture was taken at that very moment, and was glued stuck to his eyes ever since.  

The unknown beauty has been riding past for many times that summer. Bathing her feet in the surf, or gazing upon the sunset over the waves. And every time, Anthony was watching her, his heart aching and rejoicing at the same time.

If only he knew her name…

But Anthony had other things on his mind today.  Ships were sailing in and out of the harbour, and he had to make sure all of them passed the reef separating the bay from the sea safely. One of those ships was a big, white barque called the White Pearl. It would come to the harbour today, and set sail again shortly after midnight tomorrow. In the meantime, the townspeople could go on deck to celebrate New Years.

The arrival of this ship has meant a great deal for the people of Crestgate. It was a small town with a small harbour, and having a ship this magnificent visiting its port was a rare privilege. The White Pearl was a fairly new ship, and was planned to sail to many distant places. Many people used this occasion escape the town, if it was for a short while or even forever.

The ship captain came by Anthony’s lighthouse that afternoon. He was waiting for him outside by his front door. Approaching him was a tall man with long black curls tied up in a ribbon.

“Captain Peter Kaperson.” The man introduced himself, while shaking Anthony’s hand firmly.   
“I trust you know that we will be sailing out the harbour on New Years night?”

“I was informed about this, yes.” Anthony replied.

“You are also aware that there is report about a storm that night?” Captain Kaperson asked with a worrying frown.

“Yes, I am. These reefs are already treacherous as they are, but with high waves it becomes quite the challenge indeed to pass them. I advice you to stay a bit to the right side of the cove.  The water is the deepest between the reefs on the left and the cliff on the right”

The captain peered pass the lighthouse, to the narrow strait that Anthony just described.

“It will be a tight squeeze, but I think we will make it. Luckily, the White Pearl is a sturdy ship. It will not topple that easily.”

“I have no doubt that it is…” Anthony said absentmindedly. While the captain had his gaze turned to the cove, another person approached. As the figure came closer, Anthony recognized his love, the girl from last summer.

But she had no eye for him, and was clearly looking for the captain.

“Well now, I expect to see your beacon lit once we depart. May it guide my ship to calmer waters.” The captain shook Anthony’s hand again, and turned around, to see the young woman approaching him.

“Good afternoon Captain. I was hoping to speak with you today. Your crew told me I could find you here at the lighthouse.” She said.

“I just finished my business with our friend here. How can I be of service, my lady?” Captain Kaperson said, while he took the girl’s hand and kissed it.

“Well, I will be boarding the White Pearl tomorrow night, but I was wondering, since there is talk about bad weather, if you will still be sailing on New Year’s Eve?”   

“Well, my friend here and myself had just been discussing this. Don’t worry dear; the White Pearl will depart on schedule. I was assured that with the light from the lighthouse guiding the way we can depart safely from Crestgate harbour. Isn’t that right mister… ehm..?” The captain looked at Anthony, who realized he never got to introduce himself.

“Kacher. Anthony Kacher, sir. And yes, I assure you that the ship will leave the harbour in one piece.”

“Oh, good.” The woman said. “Personally, I can’t wait to set sail. Rather today than tomorrow.”

“I can’t make it any earlier than tomorrow, I’m afraid.” Captain Kaperson said. “Until then, I hope you enjoy the festivities. And I will see you tomorrow.” He bowed his head, and left.

The woman was still standing there, and Anthony suddenly realized he was staring at her all this time.

“So, Anthony Kacher, was it?” The woman said.  “I think it was about time we got introduced.” She stepped forward and shook his hand. “Joanna Hewlett. Pleased to meet you.”

“Pleasure’s all mine.” Anthony stuttered. Finally he knew her name. And what a beautiful name. Joanna… who was sailing away from Crestgate tomorrow.

“So, you’ll be leaving town then?” Anthony asked.

“Yes.” Joanna sighed. “I was thinking about it for quite some time and now the opportunity finally presented itself.  And it’s a nice idea to leave at the turn of the year. It puts some added emphasis to making a new start someplace else.”

“Where will you be going?” Anthony hoped that she wouldn’t go far.

“Honestly, I don’t know.” Joanna smiled. “Anywhere but here! The ship will make port at many places. I will see where it will lead me.”

“Crestgate can’t be that bad?” Anthony asked.

Joanna shrugged. “It’s…. a nice town, surely. I grew up here. But there is more to the world that this.”

Anthony felt like she was hiding something. Joanna gestured vaguely to the sea while talking, and her gaze was avoiding his. He was curious what could bother this fair lady, but decided not to enquire about it.

“It is indeed a nice town. The view from up the lighthouse is quite splendid. You can see the whole town from there.” Anthony said quickly. There was not a better excuse he could think of to spend some time with her, even just for a moment.

“How about you show me that view, mister Kacher?” Joanna said playfully.

“Oh please, call me Anthony.” He said. “I’m no ‘mister’. I’m just a simple man.”

“Alright… Anthony.” She smiled again.

That smile of hers… never before has a woman smiled that much in such a short timespan at him. And after tomorrow, he will never see that smile again. He could not help but stare in awe at the beauty she revealed with that smile.

   “Well, aren’t you going to take me up there?” Joanna said after a while.

“Oh, yes, of course!” ‘Shy, lumbering, idiotic fool!’ Anthony thought to himself. The most beautiful girl in town was talking to him, and all he did was stand there as some halfwit.  He opened his front door, bowed his head and made a welcoming gesture. “After you, milady.”

Joanna pouted her lips amused, and entered the small cottage attached to the lighthouse.  

Anthony led the way to the stairwell to the lighthouse, and up they went.

“When I was a boy, my father always joked this lighthouse counted ten thousand steps. I remember it sure felt like ten thousand steps at the time. It’s no more than fifty or so, in reality.” He explained while making their way up. Joanna didn’t reply. Judging from her heavy breathing, she was too focussed to make it to the top in the first place.

Once at the top, Joanna said: “My apologies, my physical condition isn’t what it used to be.” And kind of laughed it off.

“The view is worth it, I promise.” Anthony said, as he led her around the torch, to the edge.

“Indeed! You can see the whole town from here!” Joanna exclaimed, as she approached the ledge. After admiring the view for a while she pointed to a large house just outside the town main square. “That’s my house. Or... well... was, by tomorrow.”

“That’s quite the abode!” Anthony said.  “Why on earth would you leave a palace like that behind?”

“It will not be left behind on it’s own. My mother is still there… and…” she paused, and the smile left her face. It was quiet for a while, but then Joanna perked up again, and said: “But what about the view on the other side?”

Anthony merely gestured towards the direction of the cove. Joanna skipped past him and sighed deeply as she laid her gaze upon the waves that were stretching towards the horizon.

Anthony came standing next to her, and watched as the sun was already beginning its decent.

“Have you ever sailed out there?” Joanna asked after while.

“No. My father was a sailor for a while. But he preferred to stay ashore and make sure that the local sailors did not get lost in the night. After he died, I took over the lighthouse and that was it.”

“Not really a very adventurous life, is it?” Joanna smirked.

Anthony shrugged. “It suits me.”

“You don’t come into town that often, do you?”

“No. I don’t really feel the need to.”

“You’re quite the hermit, are you?” She smiled again, and bit her lip. “Or am I insulting you now?”

“Oh, of course not, milady!” Anthony said hastily. “I’m used to it by now, I mean.”

He laughed nervously. He saw Joanna didn’t buy it.

“Why don’t you come into town with me, just for once?” she said. “You showed me your view, I can show you mine.”

His heart started pounding. Was she really inviting him to her home? How on earth could he refuse that?

“I don’t see why not…”

“Good!” Joanna slipped passed him, making her way to the door to the stairwell. Anthony followed, hardly believing his luck.

 

Chapter 2

They made their way towards the heart of the town. At the main square, people were already busy with preparations for the festivities for the following day.  Garlands were hung from lamppost to lamppost and the doors from the shops and houses were decorated with festive wreaths. About two streets further, Joanna led the way to a large house with tall windows and a stone porch.  “Here we are.” She said, while unlocking the door and letting Anthony in.

“Coldhill Manor?” he asked, pointing at the curly inscription on the door.

“Ehm… yes, it’s the other side of the family.” Joanna said quickly. “Come, I’ll show you around.”

The narrow hallway led to a large living room, where a bronze chandelier was hanging from the high ceiling. The pale green walls were decorated with several tapestries and portraits. At the back a marble winding staircase led to the second floor.

“Of course nothing can beat your outside view on the sea, but when it comes to my house, it’s the inside view that counts.” Joanna said.

“Well, I have to say I have never been in such a… rich house before.” Anthony said, feeling his shabby appearance was awfully misplaced with the interior.

“What does your family do, if I may ask?” he enquired

“What made us rich enough to afford this house you mean?” Joanna laughed. “It’s a long story of succession, really. Nothing more to it.”  She said, while heading to the liquor cabinet and pouring them both a glass of wine, of which one she handed to Anthony. Anthony couldn’t recall when the last time was he tasted such a high priced drink. Maybe even never. He took a sip and found out it was a quite sweet red wine. He liked it.

 “So, you live here with your mother?” he asked, keeping the topic on small talk.

“Yes. She’s not here at the moment though. My uncle works at town hall you see, and she’s helping around with getting everything set for tomorrow’s celebration.”

“And your father?”

“Died.” She said quite curtly. “Years ago. I was only a little girl.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.” Anthony said truthfully.

“Ah well… like I said, it was years ago.” And she emptied her glass of wine in one sip.

 An awkward silence fell. Anthony was afraid that this would happen. He wasn’t good with small talk.  Joanna seemed to study him for a while, with a faint smile around her lips.

“You don’t wonder why I brought you here?” she finally asked.

Anthony was quite taken aback by such a direct question. Yes, he wondered, but it didn’t matter to him. What mattered is that he got to spend time with her.

“You tell me.” He finally replied. He was curious what on earth could be going on in this highborn lady’s head to invite a fellow like him to her home.

“I have seen you look at me all summer. Don’t think I didn’t notice.” She said, still smiling.

Anthony wished he could hide somewhere. She had seen him looking… like some sort of creep.

“Oh, I didn’t mind.” She said, when she noticed that Anthony was getting uneasy. “I found it quite charming, to be honest. What I really wanted was….” She frowned, as she chose her words carefully. “Like I said, I will be leaving tomorrow. And I just couldn’t leave without getting to know you better. Then at least I could leave with a positive feeling, you know what I mean?”

Anthony had no idea how to respond. He was in awe about his luck, but also cautious. He barely knew this girl. What could he expect?

“I’ve seen you look at me… in a certain way, and really, no one has ever looked at me that way before.” She continued. “I couldn’t leave without leaving your looks unanswered.”

“I don’t know what you want from me….” Anthony stuttered. He knew what he wanted. It is what he wanted since the moment he laid eyes on her. But was this a right thing to do?

“Oh yes you do.” Joanna smiled again. “Please, don’t let me leave without having experienced this.”

“Experienced what?” Anthony asked, while actually knowing the answer. But no, she couldn’t ask him this. There was just no way…

“True love.” She simply replied. She leaned closer to him. “I know you love me. There is no lie in your eyes.”

She saw right trough him. He let it happen. There was no sense in denying her words. It was all true.  He decide to leave the how’s and why’s behind. He leaned closer to her, and let himself drown in her eyes.

Hours later he found himself in her bed, lying next to her. It was the small hours of the night, and both of them didn’t feel like sleeping. They had too much to talk about. About last summer, what they felt when they saw each other, and time and again emphasizing why this felt meant to be.

It was for the first time since some forgettable advances in his teenage years that he has been with a woman. And never could he have imagined that it would feel like this. She gave life to a brand new version of him. Gone was the cold, shy hermit, and it felt like a flame was awoken in his heart.  He never wanted this night to end, knowing she would be gone after this…

But still, the hours crept by, and outside it started snowing.

Anthony got up, and walked to the window, that was slowly filling up with snow.

“Aren’t you cold?” his love asked. Though he wasn’t wearing anything at all at this moment, he was feeling surprisingly warm.

“No. I don’t think anything can cool me down now.” He said, returning to the bed, laying on the covers and pressing a kiss on Joanna’s lips.

“I’d like to see the snow try, though.  How about you and I take a walk? Just you, me, the snow… the night.”

“So poetic!” Joanna sighed. “I don’t see why not.”

Anthony got up again, collected his clothes from the floor, and got dressed. Joanna’s naked figure disappeared behind a chamber screen, and emerged again moments later, dressed in an easy flowing pale blue dress.

“Let’s walk until the night has passed!” she rejoiced.

“Sounds as music to my ears.” Anthony smiled.

The fresh fallen show crackled under their boots as they left the town behind them, walking cross the fields towards the hills. They didn’t care how far they went. He just wanted to walk with her, forever and ever. Again, fully aware that forever did not exist…

Too soon they saw the first rays of the bleak winter sun creeping over de hilltops, and the night was slowly fading into memory.  From afar, they could hear the town waking up, and it reminded them again that the world, although it really seemed like it tonight, didn’t revolve around them.

Eventually, Anthony knew the subject was inevitable. “Joanna, why must you go tonight?” he asked. “Now we have found each other, why is there still a reason to leave?”

It took a while before she answered. When she did speak, she was once again evading his eyes. “I have to… I can’t tell you much, but I can’t possibly stay in Crestgate. Not for now, at least.”

“Whatever it is that is driving you away from here, let me stop it for you.” Anthony said.

“You’re so sweet…” a lone tear rolled down Joanna’s cheek. “Anthony… I want to thank you for tonight. But I don’t want to give you the impression that I have used you.” She looked him in the eye this time and said: “I will return to Crestgate.  But for now, I have to be elsewhere. I can’t tell you too much, you won’t understand. But when I come back, in a few months time, I will be yours forever. I promise you that.”

“Why won’t I understand?” Anthony didn’t get why she was being so vague about it. They shared their every feeling for each other last night.  What was holding her back to tell her what was haunting her?

“I will tell you when I get back.  Anthony... please forgive me for leaving you in the dark. But I have no choice.” He saw fear in her eyes, and truly believed she couldn’t tell him any more. He didn’t want to add anything to the danger she was probably in. It cost him great effort, but he didn’t ask any further. He knew he had to trust her.

“Can you… can you walk me back home? I still have some things to pack…”

She was trying, in vain, to distance herself from the topic. But by doing so, again confirmed her intend to leave. Not wanting to make this any more painful for the both of them, Anthony decided it was best to take her back.

There was an awkward silence between them while walking back to town. Anthony didn’t know what he had to make of this. One thing was for certain however, he would never forget this night, and Joanna’s promise of her returning to him awoke a spark of hope in his chest that warmed him from the inside out. 

Too soon they reached her doorstep again. Joanna stepped on the stone porch, and turned around to face Anthony. “I will keep my promise.” She said. “When I return, I hope with all my heart that you are the first thing I see, there where you have always watched me.”

“I will be waiting there.” Anthony promised.

“I know you will…”

She hesitated for a while, but then leaped in his arms and kissed him passionately.

Above them, a window was smashed open, startling them.

“JOANNA! WHAT IN THE WORLD…!”  A harsh voice shouted.

“Oh no...” Joanna cried. “Anthony, you have to leave, now!”

Before he could reply, he heard someone come pounding down the stairs. A moment later, the front door flung open. The next moment, Anthony had his arm twisted behind his back, and a tattooed arm was choking his neck.

“Henry, stop it! You’ll suffocate him!” he heard Joanna shout.

“I’ll break his bones first!” a voice behind him grunted. “How DARE you... HOW DARE YOU lay your filthy paws on my wife!” The next moment, a terrible snapping sound echoed against the walls of the narrow street, and Anthony felt the arm that was twisted behind his back break. He screamed, and the arm that was choking him let go for a split second. He could see a name that was tattooed on that arm, but could not see what it was.

He felt a punch against his head, and then everything went black.

Chapter 3

 Where was he?

How long has he been laying here?

Anthony opened his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a horse’s face, inches away from his. He startled, and tried to get up. Forgetting his injured arm, he almost shouted out in pain, and fell back.

Apparently he was lying in a barn. Aside from the horse, there was a pig and a few chickens roaming about.  He sat upright again, carefully evading using his right arm.  What time was it?

Joanna…. Where was she? Was she all right?

Slowly the events unravelled in his tired brain. He brought her home, but there was somebody else there. Somebody who got really mad when he saw her with him. That person had knocked him out cold…

Anthony got to his feet, and stumbled out of the barn. Once outside he recognized the narrow street that was lit by the streetlights.  A few yards away was Joanna’s house.

A loud whistle followed by a bang echoed trough the streets. A second later, the first arrow of fireworks lit the sky. And then another one followed, and another one, and another one.

It was midnight, New Years Eve.

It was as reality has struck Anthony’s brain like lightning.

The ship will sail in only a few minutes.

He had to get to the lighthouse!

Stumbling and drifting, he made a run for it. He had to get there. He had to light the fire. His broken arm made it extremely difficult to move fast, and the promised storm for that night had arrived. Ice cold rain started gushing down, and the wind threw buckets of it in his face. He screamed and shouted. He had to get to the lighthouse. He had to…

He looked up, and saw the moon slowly being veiled by the fireworks and the rainclouds.

No... No… the moon had to keep shining! It was the only light the ship will have right now!

He slowly made it to the edge of town.  He had no idea how many minutes had passed since the fireworks started. But it had to be not that many. It had to be.

The pain in his arm reached a high point, he couldn’t bare it anymore. He screamed in pain, screamed for time to stand still. Screamed for the moon to shine, for the rain to stop, for some light to guide the ships.

He could not let this happen…

Please tell me everything is all right… he thought, again and again. Then he collapsed, face first in the mud. Please tell me the ship made it. Please…

Streaming rain was still pounding down on him, as he opened his eyes, only to see his nightmare come alive.

It was day.

His body was drenched. He has never felt so cold in his entire life. But the cold in his bones was nothing compared to the numbness in his heart. His mind could not yet comprehend what had happened. The only thing he felt was the crippling fear that the daylight brought.

Slowly, and not fully aware of his thoughts or actions, he got to his feet. There was less distance between where he was now and the town than to the lighthouse. So he headed back to where he came from, not sure why he did that, or what he hoped to find there.

He stumbled back onto the town square. The town hall had its doors wide open. Anthony’s numbed mind wondered why, and he let his feet carry him to the open doors.

What he found inside confused him even more. The whole town seemed to be packed within the hall. And everybody was silent. Their heads bowed, with their back to the door, not aware of the person who just entered.

“What’s going on?” his voice broke the silence. The people turned around, and noticed the man standing in the doorway, drenched, dirty, limping and broken.

“All of them…” a voice from the crowd spoke. A man stood up and went to stand in the corridor between the seats. “All on board… no one made it.  All on board the White Pearl have died.”

Anthony felt his heart sink. “What?” he stammered

“The ship hit the reefs. They could not see where they were going.  The light in the lighthouse was not burning…”  The soft crying of several women in the crowd followed his words.

The man looked upon Anthony as he saw him for the first time now. Then he slowly raised his arm, and pointed at him. “Aren’t you the guy who supposed to keep the light going? Yes… you’re that… Kacher fellow. You’re the lighthouse keeper!”

Several gasps could be heard from all corners of the hall. Anthony saw how each pair of eyes looked at him... with the utmost disgust and hatred.

He felt tears streaming down his face. The sorrow and disbelief in the room was almost tangible. And he was responsible for it.

He sank to his knees, completely broken in all sense of the word. His sobbing was the only sound that was heard for a while.

“Take him.” A voice softly said.  A pair of strong hands dragged him to his feet. He looked at the man who helped him up.  A short, but strong looking guy with a goatee, and pale blue eyes void of all compassion. “You’re going to pay…” the man said. While he yanked on Anthony’s good arm to make him follow, his sleeve rolled up a bit to reveal a tattoo with a name on it.

Coldhill…

Chapter 4

“Silence in the courthouse!” the bailiff said, and the chattering of the people assembled in the court slowly fell silent. It was several weeks after New Years, and the first month of the year has been rainy and dreary.  Anthony has seen the rain falling down from the tiny window in his cell, and it did nothing to him. Nothing did anything to him while he was there. The only thing he felt was wrenching guilt, and nothing more.

Now he stood trail in front of the whole town. He was condemned, and he knew it. No words from a judge could change the outcome of his fate. The deathly gaze from the people showed that they had made up their mind, their eyes flaming with resentment. One pair of those eyes Anthony felt burning in his back stronger than any other. He knew he was here, one of the many onlookers of his doom. Henry Coldhill may have thought the black hat shadowing his face was enough to cover his identity and let him blend in with the other townsfolk, but there was no ignoring that sly grin, and the staring of his pale blue eyes, void as ever, say for a tiny twinkle of malicious pleasure.

“All rise for his honour, judge Elijah Velman.” The bailiff announced, as the judge entered the courtroom and took place on his throne.

“You may be seated.” He said, and rummaged trough the paperwork on his desk, accompanied by the sound of screeching wood as the people sat down again. 

“Before we begin the trail, I want us all to remember the night of December, 31, the most tragic New Years Eve this town has ever seen.”

“Among the casualties aboard the White Pearl were many of our loved ones. I would like to name those loved ones, that it may remind us what the cause is for today.”

The judge began his spiel of names. It went passed Anthony’s ears. He didn’t want to know the names of the people he killed. The knowledge of him being responsible for all those lives was enough torment.

“…Margaret Cavendale, Theodore Chester, Joanna Coldhill-Hewlett, who was with child… James Dover…”

Anthony’s blood froze upon hearing Joanna’s name. His brain was slow to comprehend what the judge said after naming her. She was with child? But how…?

The judge finished with naming captain Peter Kaperson. And after a small silence he stated: “Now, I would like to proceed with the case of sir Anthony Kacher, concerning the events of New Years Eve. Accusation: neglecting his duty as keeper of Crestgate lighthouse, and thus causing the ship, the White Pearl, to sink, causing the death of 86 people in total.”

The judge laid down his paperwork, and looked at Anthony, who did not meet the judge’s eye, but looked at the floor instead, still awestruck about the information he just received.

“What say you in your defence?” the judge asked, stern but softly.

Anthony did not really know what to say that would defend him. He was guilty; there was no denying. Guilty of murdering his love and her child.  He forced himself to look up to the judge.

“I was not present at the lighthouse, your honour, that is true. And therefore, I have neglected my duty, as you have stated. My duty as lighthouse keeper, and to the town. For that, I plead guilty.”

Some mumbling arose from the onlookers, but the judge quickly shushed them.

“And why were you not present at the lighthouse?” he asked

Again, Anthony could feel the burning of Henry’s eyes in his back. If he ever held anything in high regard in life, it was honesty. But indirectly blaming a high esteemed citizen for the murder of these 86 souls, was another story altogether. He knew Henry was out for revenge, somehow. Or for a change to gloat, or boast about how he would deem Anthony’s statements to be a horrendous lie. And then there was the case that he laid with his wife, Joanna, who was pregnant with Henry’s child, most likely. How on earth could he explain this? If he even tried, he knew this trail would never come to an end. And he wanted it to end, so bad…

“I was not there, because I was unconscious, your honour.” He explained.

“Unconscious?” Judge Velman enquired, with a raised eyebrow. “Would you care to explain why you were unconscious, mister Kacher?”

Anthony said nothing. Would he take the risk? Did he even still care?

“I… don’t remember... he finally mumbled. The weakest excuse he could give. His words caused another uproar in the courtroom. The judge hit his hammer to demand silence.

“Could you at least tell us where you were when you regained consciousness?”

“In a ba…. back alley.”  If he would say ‘barn’, it would escalate from there on. He had made a decision, to make this trail as less painful as possible.

“This is what I do recall.” He started his lie. “I went into town, to take part in the festivities of that evening. With the intention to be back at the lighthouse an hour before midnight, in time to light the flame to guide the White Pearl safely out the harbour. On my way back, I slipped on the icy road, and I must have hit my head,” The lie was told with greater ease than he could imagine.

“And that is also how you manage to break your arm, I assume?” the judge asked.

“I suppose so, your honour. I vaguely remember that I stretched out my arm to break my fall.”

“So you mean to tell me, it was a very unfortunate accident that you weren’t able to light the lighthouse?” the judge said. Anthony nodded.

“A terrible accident.” He said. “I will bare the weight of guilt for that on my shoulders until the day I die…” That was certainly not a lie.

“Hm...” the judge stayed silent for a while.  He looked around the courtroom and it was clear to him what the townsfolk wanted from him. But he saw the man before him, broken and ridden with guilt. His shoulders limp, his gaze towards the floor once again. If this was indeed the accident he described it was… after all, this man has never caused uproar of any sorts before. He was locally known as a quiet man who valued his privacy, but always did his duty. Elijah Velman looked at Anthony, and saw no criminal.

“Your remorse strikes me.” he finally said. “I believe that you would never let this tragedy happen, if you could help it. Therefore, I state the following: innocent until proven otherwise.”

The sound of his hammer ended the trail, and Anthony was left speechless.

   Judge Velman came down from his seat, and mingled with the townsfolk. Anthony saw how he shook hands with Henry Coldhill.

“I’m so sorry for your loss, mister Coldhill.” He heard him say. “Especially after you recently found out that Joanna was pregnant.”

“Thank you, your honour.” Henry replied. “I can only hope that I will ever find someone who can match Joanna’s beauty and character. She will be deeply missed.”

“Liar…” Anthony said to himself, upon hearing Henry’s words. He could only hope he will never get the chance to do to another woman what he did to Joanna. Of course, it was clear now why she wanted to leave Crestgate. Why she was so evasive when it came to explaining. Why she seemed so afraid…

But now she was gone.  Her chance of a new life wasted away. And he was to blame.

If only he had never left his lighthouse…

He wanted to leave, and was about to do so, when several men blocked his path.

“Let me trough.” He said softly.

“I don’t care what the judge says, you are responsible for the death or those 86 souls.” One of the men said. “This town knows better than to rely on so called ‘justice’. You have a week to pack your belongings and leave Crestgate. For now, justice has saved you. But dare to come back, and it will no longer be the case…” The man fell silent, trembling with grief and anger. “Consider yourself warned.” He concluded, and the group split apart to let Anthony trough. He did not answer, or even looked at the men. He just wanted to go home. 

Chapter 5

Home… how scared he was to go there. Slowly, Anthony made his way back to the lighthouse. The walk to the stand in the courtroom was not his walk of torment. 

This was.

Anthony didn’t look at the waves when entering his home. He couldn’t bare the sight of the place where so many lives were taken.

He was stated free, but didn’t feel that way. He lost what little respect he had in this town for good. He hasn’t figured out yet how to live with that, and was afraid he never would.

And then there was Joanna. On the way to a dream she would never reach. Even after her husband found out about the two of them. She somehow managed to slip away and board the ship. Anthony could only imagine her relief when the ship set sail, only to be crushed mere moments later.

He brought her a moment of joy, only mere moments before killing her. 

It didn’t matter what the judge said.  The town was right; he was guilty. But he refused to be punished on Henry Coldhill’s terms, he still had that lest shred of honour left.

He even felt guilty for defining his innocence, which he didn’t deserve, after all that has passed.  But was has been done, has been done.

For several days no one saw Anthony atop of his lighthouse. No ship needed to sail in and out the harbour either. The bad weather made it difficult to salvage the White Pearl and so the large part of its wreck still remained at the bay, fallen on its side stuck to the reefs, with the mast broken in two against the rocks. Bits and pieces of white wood floating around the eerie carcass of a ship once so grand. The first priority has been to get the bodies out of the water; the rest would have to wait.

The week he was given to leave Crestgate was coming to an end, and finally Anthony ascended up the steps to face what he has done. To see the wreckage for himself, trying to remember what the bay looked like without it.

He leaned on the balustrade of his lighthouse. The lamp behind him was cold and void, as it hasn’t been lighted for weeks. It felt like the lighthouse itself had died along with the White Pearl, the last ship it should have guided.  He looked down, into the black ocean. The waves crashing high upon the side of his tower, as if the sea tried to swallow it.

Anthony didn’t know why, but he wanted to relight the fire, even if there were no ships to guide. Maybe it would at least drive away the cold for a bit. 

He exited the lighting room, with the beacon shining again across the bay and beyond, like a pale needle in the winter evening twilight.  

Anthony snickered sadly. What was he trying to accomplish? Did he really think for a moment that lighting the beacon would show him the way to an answer to all this?

All it did was shine its light on the grisly reefs. But maybe, that was the answer.

It was the answer, because there was no other answer to be found in the world.

It was enough for Anthony to make his decision. And he did so, almost without any effort or emotion.

He went back into the lighting room, and put out the light. Darkness had set over the bay, surrounding him completely once the light went out.

He heard the waves crushing upon the rocks, and loved the sound. It was calling him, and he yearned to answer that call.

He descended down the steps, all ten thousand of them, round and round. He went outside and found the little boat that he kept tied up the rocks.  He entered the little vessel, untied the ropes connecting it to the shore, and threw out the oars. He wouldn’t need those.

Almost immediately salty waves filled the tiny boat, and dragged him towards deeper waters. Within moments, the waves had led Anthony close to the wreck. A hint of moonlight struck the white wooden barque, illuminating the faded black letters of the ship’s name.

Anthony felt the cold waves embrace him, the embrace of the sea where he always felt at home. The only thing left here that loved him.

With his body shivering with the cold he couldn’t feel, he mumbled an old prayer. Not for him alone, but mostly for those below him, already claimed by the hungry waves.

“ I hereby commit my body to the deep, 
to be turned into corruption, 
looking for the resurrection of the body, 
when the Sea shall give up Her dead, 
and the life of the world to come, 
through our Lord…”

His last amen was not heard, as the sea closed up above him.

Chapter 6

It was one of the coldest, bleakest and stormiest winters that Anthony has ever seen. Even when standing right next to the fire atop of his lighthouse, the cold couldn’t be expelled from his bones.

The fire was lit this morning to guide the way trough the morning twilight for a peculiar vessel that would lay anchor in Crestgate for today. Tomorrow, a few minutes after New Years, it would sail for distant lands. Anthony watched as the ship slowly made it’s way into the harbour, which was barely big enough to accommodate such a ship. The White Pearl, named thus because the barque was white all over, from haul to sails. A beautiful ship indeed, Anthony thought as it came gliding into the harbour.

What a beautiful sight it must be tomorrow night when it will leave again under the thunderous applause of hundreds of fireworks from the town. Anthony looked forward to that image.

The ship suddenly turned back with an amazing ease for such a large vessel. Anthony looked to the horizon and saw the sun, at first just beginning its ascend to the sky, rapidly descend again. Looking back at the ship he saw it had turned its sails towards the reefs.  Behind him the rotating light ceased to shine. The world went pitch-black, say for one thing: the ship, still shining as a white ghost over the dark water.

The waves were rising higher and higher, engulfing Anthony’s tower. Behind the rising waves he saw the ship heading towards the grisly reefs with high speed.  Rocks pointing out of the water like the teeth of a sea monster.

He saw the ship coming closer and closer, the bowsprit already towering above him. Anthony realized he was standing on the rocky reef and he didn’t know why. He supposed to be in his lighthouse! He looked for his tower in the black of the night. Suddenly he thought he saw the contours of the lighthouse in the distance but couldn’t find them anymore a second later.

He saw the bow of the white, ghostly gleaming ship, passing him from merely inches away.

A bloodcurdling scream followed by the deafening sound of wood shattering into a thousand pieces against the rocks pierced the night.  Anthony could only watch as millions of wood fragments rained upon him like shiny, white needles. He felt how they pierced him. Impaled him. A monstrous wave, higher than the mast, came crashing down, swallowing the ship, all aboard, and Anthony, whole.

He felt the ocean gushing trough the wounds that impaled him trough and trough. He felt the freezing water filling his body and his lungs, slowly taking over his whole being. In mere seconds the man became one with the ocean.

Anthony bolted up and the scream that was trying to escape his mouth didn’t get enough air from his lungs to do so, causing him to collapse in a coughing fit.

“Easy now, friend.” A voice beside him said. Anthony, while struggling to breathe, flung his fist at the stranger as an act of instinct. The man reacted by grabbing him by the wrist.

“Whoa now, is that how you treat people who saved you from drowning?” He said, with a half amused, half worried grin.

“What…. In hell… are you grinning… at?” Anthony managed to pronounce between his coughs.

“A supposedly dead man, if I haven’t seen you floating.” The stranger replied. Het let go of his arm and sat down in a chair next to the bed Anthony was laying in. “You were lucky I happened to be around. There are no good fish to be found in these parts these days, so I sailed a bit further away from my usual grounds. First I thought you were one of those corpses from that ship that struck doom a little while back. Thought I’d better fish you up, to give a proper burial. It was only when I bend over your cold corpse to see if you had my shoe size I realized your corpse was a live one, though barely… I pumped half the ocean out from your lungs. But apparently you are still busy getting rid of the bit that I forgot…” He frowned at Anthony who was still gasping for air while almost falling out of the bed.  The stranger pushed him back into the cushions, waiting patiently for Anthony to regain his breath.

His lungs felt like a giant hand had wrenched them out like an old dishcloth. His body was sore all over, and his arms and legs felt weak.  His eyes flashed trough the room he was in; a small, but cosy shack with a small fire crackling in the centre of the room. The whole place smelled like fish.

The questions he had got jumbled up in his mind, not quite sure which one he wanted an answer for first. So all he managed to say was: “Who… where… what…?”

“I can answer the ‘who’ and ‘where’ for you, but with the ‘what’ I require a little help from your side. ” The stranger smiled, running his fingers trough his blonde hair. “Thomas Parker ‘s the name. You’re in my humble home, not far from Moorhill. As you could guess, I fish for a living. It’s a lonely existence, but I cannot complain. And although you have been occupying my bed for a couple of days now, I still fail to find out your name.” Thomas looked at Anthony expectantly.   

Anthony’s drenched brain was working very slowly.  He rubbed his knuckles in his eyes, trying to remember anything.

He couldn’t remember a damn thing, not even his name. He felt like it was at the tip of his tongue, but it kept evading him.

“Moorhill…” he mumbled. That was a familiar name. But where from?

“About a mile or so further inland.” Thomas kindly explained. “Roughly fifty miles west of Oak’s Hollow and across the shore from Crestgate.”

“Crestgate…” he mumbled again. Once he heard the name it fell in place “I live there…”

“Oh really? Well, that takes of one step closer to uncovering your identity.” Thomas said cheerfully.

“My home… it was… a light…” Anthony remembered something with a ray of light and the light felt like home when he thought of it.

“You descended from heaven itself?” Thomas laughed, and spread his arms “And thus he cameth from the realm of Light to the sea of mortals! Really my friend, your story gets better by the minute.” 

“I’m glad its funny to you…” Anthony said a tad bit annoyed.

“Life is better when it’s spend smiling.” Thomas said sagely, patted Anthony on the shoulder and got up from his chair. “Now my friend, if any other fragments of memories come drifting back into your mind, let me know. I’m off! Fish isn’t going to catch itself.  Maybe I’ll catch some memories of yours that are still floating about. Ha-ha.”

Thomas put on his coat and left the shack. Leaving Anthony behind, confused and bewildered.

How in hell has he survived?

Chapter 7

Anthony spend several hours trying to remember who he was and what has happened. He remembered fragments from the dream he had. He could recall a white ship, where something terrible has happened to. He remembered he was drowning. Was he aboard that ship? No, that wasn’t right.

And what was it with that light?

Though not knowing what exactly has brought him to the place he was now, he wasn’t afraid. That Thomas guy seemed harmless, and he should be thankful that he saved him. But somehow he could not feel happy about it.  He had a feeling of disappointment and guilt that he couldn’t place.

Eventually he thought it would be best to try and fall asleep again. If he could remember things from his dream, maybe the next dream will give him more memories?

Eventually he fell in an uneasy sleep. When he woke up the shack was dark, say for the fireplace in the centre. Thomas was sitting next to it, frying a fish.

“Good evening friend. Slept well?” Thomas friendly asked once he noticed Anthony was awake.

“Could be better. Have you caught any memories of mine floating around yet?” he said, while carefully getting out of the bed. He flinched in pain when putting stress on his limbs. He still felt like he was broken all over.

“Take it easy.” Thomas said, and Anthony decided it would be best to remain sitting on the foot end of the bed. 

Thomas cut of part of the fish he had on his plate, put it on a second plate and gave it to Anthony.

“Here. You’ve been out for days. You must be hungry.”

“Not really actually, but thank you anyway.” He said, and started eating. Small bites at the time do the trick, he thought. He had the feeling that if he ate too fast or too much right now, he could puke.

“Haven’t found any of your memories, no.” Thomas answered Anthony’s question.  “Only a school of herring and a codfish or two. What about you, you remembered anything?”

“Nothing of real significance.” Anthony replied.  He tried to remember if he dreamt anything. Only a fragment of a scene came to mind, where he stood in a large room filled with people and all of them were staring at him. While he tried to dig further in his mind he suddenly felt he was struck by lightning. A flash of memory…

“Anthony….” He said.

‘Sorry, who?” Thomas asked.

“Anthony.” He said again. “That’s my name. I remember my name,”

Thomas smiled. “Now we are getting somewhere! It’s a pleasure to meet you, Anthony. Keep it up like this and maybe we find out how you ended up half dead in the ocean.”

In the nights that followed, each dream that Anthony had brought back pieces of his memory. After a week he could tell Thomas that he was the lighthouse keeper of Crestgate. He remembered things from his youth, how his father used to be a sailor. He remembered leaving his lighthouse at New Year’s Eve, but why and to what end, he still had to discover.

“The lighthouse keeper, eh?” Thomas said worryingly after Anthony had told him that part. “I’ve heard a thing or two about you. Story goes that because of the light wasn’t on in the lighthouse that ship crashed on the cliffs. Yes…” He stroked his chin, frowning as he dug into his own memory of the rumors he heard. “What was that ship called again? White… something. White Diamond?”

“White Pearl.” Anthony called out. Another memory struck him. “It was set to sail on New Years but it never left the bay…”

“Are you sure you weren’t aboard that ship?” Thomas asked for the fourth time that week.

“Positive. Whenever I dream of it, I’m either at the lighthouse or standing on the cliffs, never on the ship.”

“Why wasn’t the light on?” Thomas asked. “You don’t strike me as a fellow who would deliberately leave a ship in the dark.”

“I don’t know…” Anthony admitted, and the fact that he didn’t know was killing him. His mind still had large gaps that had everything to do with why he wasn’t at his post when he should have been, and with how he ended up in the ocean. The most crucial points were still missing and not being able to fill those gaps only added to the gut-wrenching guilt that was plaguing him ever since he woke up with a blank mind. 

“I guess your negligence did cause quite the stir over in Crestgate, hasn’t it?” Thomas asked.

Anthony scoffed. “I wouldn’t be surprised if it was the townsfolk who threw me in the ocean. I know I would…”

That night Anthony dreamt again, but this time was different. At first he saw a flash of the white ship that was hurdling towards the cliffs at high speed. A second later he was looking in the bright green eyes of a young lady. She was standing in a snowy field, snow falling all around her. He couldn’t recall ever seeing such a beautiful woman.

She smiled at him, but he saw it wasn’t a genuine smile. She tried to hide it but her eyes were filling up with tears. Anthony wanted to comfort her, to touch her. He reached out to her but his hands fell right trough her as if she was made of liquid.

“I can’t stay….” She said. Then she fell apart like water poured out of a cup. Anthony wanted to shout her name but he failed to know what it was. The frustration of not remembering yet another thing reached a boiling point, and Anthony was left alone, screaming in the night, while the snow covered him like the water did in his other dreams.

In the morning he told Thomas about his dream. He, as usual, just smiled.

“So there is a woman involved now? This is getting real interesting.” He giggled. “Is she just a figment of your lonely imagination or another lost memory?”

“I wish I knew. I can’t imagine ever being with such a beautiful woman though. Or any woman, for that matter.”

“You and me both, friend.” Thomas sighed. “No lady wants to get near to a fellow like me, smelling of salt and fish. Be blessed with even only the dream of a fair lady in your life.”

A fortnight after he woke up, Anthony felt almost like his old self again. Memories were creeping back up bit by bit with each dream he had at night. But the puzzle wasn’t complete yet. He remembered the captain of the White Pearl visiting him the day before New Years. He remembered bits of a trail. He was probably sent to court for not being at his post at that fateful night. He was stated free, but he couldn’t imagine why. In any case, he felt condemned, but he clearly heard the judge’s voice saying that he wasn’t to blame.

But again, why wasn’t he at his lighthouse?

 Anthony woke up screaming again after another dream where he was crushed by both waves and ship. But it had nothing to do with the crushing feeling he had now. He remembered another part, a big part this time.

Thomas was still snoring in his chair, where he slept while he generously let Anthony use the only bed.  The earliest sunrays crept trough the cracks of the walls.

The shack suddenly felt cramped and damp. Anthony had to get out. He needed some air.

He jumped out of bed, put on a shirt and went outside. Once he stepped out the front door he breathed in deep the salty air. It helped him clear his mind a bit, only to make room for the new memory that he just learned.

Thomas’ fishing boat was moored a few feet from the shore of the narrow beach. The dunes behind the shack let its sand twirl freely in the morning sea breeze. A thin layer of ice lay on the puddles that the waves left when gliding off the beach at low tide. Say for the sound of the surf, the world was quiet, and was a shrill contrast to the screaming going on inside Anthony’s mind. But who was he to disturb the silence? Who was he to disturb anyone, ever again?

Well, he could always try a second time, he thought while approaching the shoreline. Just as the waves washed upon his legs, the door of the shack opened, and Thomas stepped out.

“What are you doing outside this early?” he yawned.

Anthony didn’t reply. His attempt was disturbed for the second time, this time before he could even begin.

“Aren’t you cold as hell?” Thomas said while approaching Anthony, noticing he was barefoot and with only a shirt and pants on. 

Anthony finally regained his voice. “I remember….”

“Another thing? What is it this time? Please tell me you remember more of that lady you dreamt of...” Thomas asked.  His enthusiastic curiosity turned to empathy once he noticed the tears escaping from Anthony’s eyes.

“It was me… I killed myself,” Anthony silently said. “I couldn’t live with the fact that I murdered all those people. I still don’t know why I left the lighthouse but I know it wasn’t a valid reason. Not enough to justify all this… death.”

He swallowed, and bowed his head. “I should have died. Why didn’t I die…? I deserve no less.”

“Don’t speak of yourself this way, my friend. No one deserves to die. If the good Lord decides it isn’t your time yet, it isn’t your time. Clearly, you survived for a reason.” Thomas softly tugged his arm. “Come, let’s get inside.”

“Yeah, well that good Lord did decide it was the time to die for 86 innocent people. What have they done to deserve that?” Anthony got angry; for a moment not knowing why he suddenly remembered the number of casualties, but it didn’t matter. “I was ready for it. I did it myself; I rowed out to sea during a storm, knowing it was the only thing left to do! I’ve lost everything! I had nothing more to live for! They had! They were meant to travel the world! They were meant to live, and I killed them. I killed them all…” He could say no more. The only thing he wanted was for Thomas to leave him alone so he could finish what he started.

“Stop talking like that! One day you are going to regret ever thinking this way!” Thomas sternly said. “I didn’t fish you up for nothing. I didn’t offer you shelter for nothing. And I don’t care what you say; you’re getting back inside. I haven’t nursed your ass back to health just so you can catch hypothermia out here. If anything, you are being ungrateful. Come on!” This time Thomas yanked him back towards the shack.

He was right, Anthony thought. He was being ungrateful.  Whatever the made out of this situation, he was alive. And he had to deal with that, one way or another.

Chapter 8

Thomas kept an annoying close eye on Anthony after this. As much as he wanted to give in to his depression, there was something holding him back. And it wasn’t only Thomas who monitored his every step trough the small window of the cabin every time he went outside to take a leak.

It was his desire to sleep and dream about the lady in the snow.

The guilt still sucked his will to live out of him; there was no denying in that.  He still felt he needed to pay for what he has done. But in death, there were no dreams. And with no dreams, no fair lady to dream about.  But the question remained: who was she? Was she even real?

So he stayed alive.

He wanted to get Thomas of his back, but had no idea where else he could go. Going back to Crestgate wasn’t an option, since it would equal to suicide. Though legally stated free, the townsmen would skin him alive if he dared to show his face there again. He had no money and no possessions left to speak of, so setting up a new life in Moorhill or anywhere was also out of the equation.

He relied his worries to Thomas, by carefully enquiring in how long he was planning to keep him here.

Thomas sat next his fishing boat that he has dragged on the shore, busy with untangling his nets and getting rid of the seaweed that got stuck to it.  Anthony stood by the shoreline, absentmindedly skipping stones across the water.

“So Thomas, now that I’m on the mend, I thought it would be time to see where to go next. I mean, I can’t bother you forever.”

“You’re not bothering me.” Thomas said, while being focussed on his nets. “It’s actually quite nice to have some company. Besides, where did you plan to go anyway?”

“I don’t know…” Anthony said honestly. “Maybe see if I can get a job in Moorhill, or wherever.”

“There’s not much work at the moment there, I can tell you. If that were the case, I wouldn’t be here plucking pieces of dead fish out of these stinking nets. Ah, darn it!” He managed to pluck a particular stubborn and long piece of seaweed out of his net, and by doing so tearing it apart. “Another casualty to add to the pile! Ah well...” he threw the net aside. “You know Anthony, you could always stay here. I could use this here pile of torn nets and make a hammock, so you and I both can get a good night’s sleep at night. Do you know something about fishing?”

“I’m afraid I don’t know much.” He replied.

“I can always teach you. There isn’t that much to it anyway. But what do you say. You still have a place to stay, and you can help me while you’re at it. Partners in crime, for so far murdering fishes is a crime. Ha-ha.” 

“Yeah, and you just want to keep your eye on me.” Anthony said, now finally having found an excuse to bring it up. “Believe me, if I wanted to kill myself, I would have done it already. You can stop worrying about that now.”

Thomas pointed a finger at Anthony. “Don’t blame me for doing so! I’m telling you again, you’re alive for a reason. I like to think I had a say in that, but I know better. And I also know better than letting you go wherever on your own at this point. You say you may be over wanting to end it yourself but I just want to make sure.” He went back to plucking his nets. “What’s holding you back, anyway? Just out of curiosity.”

Anthony didn’t know if he should reply on that or not. He just smirked, knowing that Thomas already knew the answer. He just wanted it confirmed. Again, it was as Thomas read his mind.

“You still think she’s real?” he said after Anthony didn’t reply.

“I know she is. I don’t know why I keep dreaming about her but I know I dream for a reason. I know her, I’m sure of it…”

Now the memories of the White Pearl’s tragedy have emerged, his dreams focussed mostly on the lady in the snow. He felt that the reason why he wasn’t at his lighthouse was connected to her. Every night after waking up from the dream he delved into his mind, trying to remember more about her. He could feel her presence, her warmth and see her smile as if she was standing right on front of him, but for the life of him couldn’t recall her name, who she was and where he knew her from. He only knew one thing: he needed to find out, no matter what.

Another thing he desperately wanted to find out was the reason why he survived. But suppressed by his still ever nagging guilt, the dreams about the White Pearl took their time to reveal themselves again. It was not until well into the spring when those dreams crept back into his mind. It started as usual, with the ship hurdling towards him, crashing into a million pieces and piercing trough his body. But only this time… they didn’t.

He saw the wooden fragments soaring through the air, ready to hit him, but they froze in their path. A gentle stream of water arose between him and the still splinters. And then another, and another. Seven streams in total rose up gently from the waves, combined together and formed a wall between him and the remains of the ship. It was as if music was resonating from it. It calmed him down, and the crippling fear he used to endure at this moment was turned to serenity and a feeling of safety. The barrier of water stood there like a window, holding back the storm of destruction. Curious and intrigued, Anthony reached out to touch the barrier. Once he did, the water displayed its own scene. Behind the watery veil the ship was still frozen mid-destruction, but the projection on the barrier showed the ship laying at the harbour, swaying on a gentle tide.  People were boarding the ship, and each and every one of them looked at Anthony before they entered. Some of them smiled, some nodded, some did both. He couldn’t understand why they looked at him. Could they see him? How?

The music coming from the barrier swelled for a moment, and then faded. The watery veil dissolved and the wreck behind it was gone. Instead, Anthony was now standing on a beach at night time. Above him hundreds of stars were shining. One very bright one in particular was rotating around like the lamp of his lighthouse.

A song emerged from the shallow sea, continuing the theme started by the humming of the barrier. It was them; the ones aboard the White Pearl. Like an eerily peaceful choir of drowned angels they beckoned him to enter the water. Anthony stepped forward, expecting the cold water to rush over him and let him drown. Instead, the water was warm and shallow, not reaching further than his knees no matter how far he walked from the shore.

The music stopped and content silence followed. Anthony awoke from his dream and found himself in the hammock in the middle of Thomas’ cabin. And for the first time since his new life began, he felt at peace.

He would not dream about the White Pearl again.

Chapter 9

With Anthony’s memory being what it is, the last year of the century passed in calm fashion. He and Thomas spend their days on the sea or at the Moorhill market, selling their catch.

Unfortunately the tragedy from last New Years was still haunting him. Also in Moorhill there were families who have lost loved ones on that night. People from Crestgate would often visit as well. So with Anthony’s name being quite infamous right now he lived under the alias of Christian Carter. Thomas made it up, joking that the initials suited him well.

“C-C from the sea-sea? Get it?”

At least Thomas’ humour made living under the current circumstances bearable.

Spring turned into summer, bringing gulfs of fish to the bay and increasing the workload for both of them. Summer turned slowly into fall, and it was somewhere mid-October when they were at the Moorhill market, selling their bountiful harvest.

A middle aged, agitated looking lady stood close to their stall, talking to someone who seemed to be a friend of hers. Anthony didn’t pay any real attention to them, but couldn’t help overhearing some of their conversation.

“What’s wrong, Donna, you look quite stressed.” The friend said.

“I’m not surprised you noticed. I’ve been up half the night looking for her.” Donna replied.

“Still haven’t found her, have you?”

Donna shook her head. “No, and heavens may know where she has gone. It’s been four days now, you know! And the poor thing doesn’t even know her own name. What on earth could she be thinking to run off like this, with a baby too, not to mention!”

Anthony couldn’t help it, but he was drawn to their conversation like it was the most important thing he would hear in his life.

“She’s been talking for weeks about wanting to know where she came from, but I told her it was wisest to stay put. You can’t go on an adventure like this while you still have a baby to take care of, you know. She could have at least waited until we have found some adoption parents for the child, so she won’t bring him in danger.” Donna continued.

“Well I hope you find her soon. You are right, she shouldn’t be taking care of a child anyway. I mean, half her memory is gone. That doesn’t sound like a capable mother to me.” The friend said sagely.

The two ladies walked away, and their chattering changed topic.

“Thomas, who is that?” Anthony asked his companion, pointing at the ladies.

Thomas looked up from counting the money he just received from a customer, following Anthony’s finger. “That’s Donna Wellshire. She works at the asylum.”

“Asylum?” Anthony asked. He didn’t know Moorhill had one.

“Yes, Moorhills great loony bin. It’s a bit outside of town, on the road to the east. It’s a small mansion owned by sir Richard Payne. A fellow true to his name, I tell you. Not a pleasant place to be. At least we have people like Donna doing most of the work over there. She’s not exactly the most golden hearted type but she doesn’t mistreat the patients either.”

 “Apparently there’s someone missing over there. Someone who ran away.” Anthony said.

Thomas snickered. “I’m not surprised. No one in their right mind wants to stay there. Not that all of them over there are in their right mind though. What is it to you, anyway?”

“I’m not sure…” Suddenly realizing it was now or never, he left his stall and jolted over to the two ladies who were now looking at some handmade jewellery from a stall across the square.

“I beg your pardon.” Anthony said, tapping Donna’s shoulder to get her attention.

“I don’t want to come across as rude, but I couldn’t help but hear you talking about the woman missing from the asylum. Please, could you tell me more about this woman?”

Donna gave him a glance like this information was none of his business but failed to hide her curiosity. “Why do you want to know?” she asked with a raised eyebrow.

Anthony didn’t really know how to reply. Should he tell the truth?

“Not so defensive, Donna, maybe this fellow has some information that can help us find her.” Her friend suddenly said, and turned to Anthony “Well, do you?”

“Perhaps…” he said, glad she gave him an excuse to ask. “But I’m not sure if we’re talking about the same person here.”

“Well I can’t tell you much.” Donna said snarky. “She couldn’t remember her name and couldn’t even tell where she came from. She was found on the beach a few miles north with a broken dinghy nearby. I won’t be surprised if she was on board that ship, the White Whirl.”

“White Pearl, Donna.” Her friend corrected her.

“Yes, like I said. Anyway, she was pregnant, can you imagine? Gave birth to a son not too long ago. It’s a miracle the little lad survived as well, given the state the poor girl was in when we found her, half frozen and well… half dead if you will.  Considering the fact that she seemed to have lost her memory we kept her at the asylum. A few mornings ago I went to her room to bring her breakfast but she was gone, and her baby as well. And that old rat Richard Payne didn’t give any of us an ounce of rest until we’ve found her. Not that he cares about her, he never cared about anyone in there, but having someone escape is bad reputation, you see. I haven’t really slept since! Today I finally got a day off! But if you want my honest opinion, that girl gives more trouble than she’s worth.  I hope she’s found soon, but if not, I won’t sleep less about it. And the Lord knows I need that sleep…”

“Do you have any information about her or not?” the friend finally intervened Donna’s babbling.

Anthony’s head was spinning, and it wasn’t due to Donna’s extensive explanation. The more he heard, the more he thought of the woman in his dreams. Could it be her? A feeling inside of his screamed that it was indeed her but he couldn’t be sure. Not yet…

“What did she look like?” he asked.

“Thirties… something.” Donna replied. “Brown hair, green eyes, real pretty.”

“Thank you!” Anthony exulted. Before either one could say anything, he ran back to Thomas. He didn’t catch Donna’s friend shouting “But do you know anything about her or not?” behind him.

“Where’s the fire?” Thomas said as Anthony hurried back to the stall.

“It’s her!” he almost shouted.  “The girl I dreamed of. She was on board the White Pearl. She survived somehow, got stuck in the asylum and escaped.”

“How can you be sure?” Thomas asked cautiously.

“Donna said how she looked like. Her description matched my dream girl spot-on. Thomas… I have to find her!”

“Hold your horses mate. How are you planning to do that? And you can’t leave me here all by myself now. We have a business that needs to keep running. Really, since you joined me my income has never been better. Double the manpower, double the catch, double the profit, you know?” he said as he held out his hand to receive some of that profit from a gentleman he was serving.

“You did fine on your own before.” Anthony said. “I’m so sorry but this is something I have to do.”

Thomas sighed. “You’ve got to do what you’ve got to do, but for now you’re going to help me get trough this line of customers. You’re not going anywhere until my last sardine of the day is sold.”

“Where will you start looking?” Thomas asked the day after, while Anthony was busy packing his things.

“Donna said she wanted to know where she came from. So I think I’ll return to Crestgate and start looking there.”

“Back to Crestgate? Are you insane?” Thomas said. “I thought you were over your suicidal thoughts.”

“It’s been almost a year, do you really think they still want my hide?” Anthony said, though not really convincing.

“Do you want to risk that? It’s lost lives we’re talking about here. People tend to be a little sensitive about that.”

“I have to try… I need to find her, one way or another.”

Anthony couldn’t deny he was scared, but in order to find his dream lady he needed to go back.

“If I knew her before she must have lived there. As far as I know, I never left Crestgate, so I can’t know her from someplace else. She has to be there…”

Thomas looked worryingly at his friend, who was pacing around the cabin while gathering his things and putting them in a leather rucksack.  He couldn’t let him go to Crestgate with a good conscience. He knew for sure they would skin him alive if he showed his face there. Over time they became good friends and the last thing Thomas wanted was to let his friend go on a blind mission for love to almost certain death.

“She boarded a ship, couldn’t it be that she wanted to leave town? And she lost her mind, remember? Just like you, actually.  Who says she even remembers that she lived there?”

“Then where do you suggest I look?” Anthony said a bit agitated. “I have to start somewhere, and Crestgate is my best option. Maybe there are people there who know her.”

“They know you too!” Thomas snapped. “Believe me, my friend. If you go back there, you’re a dead man! Is any girl worth that?”

Anthony didn’t know what to tell him. He didn’t get it. Without her, there was no point living anyway. She was his last mystery to be solved. His only hope to redeem himself, to really start his life anew.  He couldn’t imagine being in the fishing business with Thomas for the rest of his life. It was fine for now but it didn’t fulfil his needs.

“At least start looking somewhere else.” Thomas almost begged him. “Oak’s Hollow for example. It’s closer by and easier to access. She has a baby with her; I don’t think she could find passage to Crestgate that easily anyway. Only trading boats go that way and you know what those sailors think about having a woman on board, let alone one with a child.”

Anthony realized there was no point in trying to assure him. He still owed him big time, and leaving without taking heed of his warnings was not a proper thing to do.

“Okay. I’ll go to Oak’s Hollow.  I’ll go into town first, see if I can get a horse.”

Thomas sighed relieved. “I hope you find her. I really do. Just… don’t get yourself in trouble, will you?”

Anthony had finished packing. He put on his coat and swung his rucksack over his shoulder. The sooner he could leave, the better. He had a long search ahead of him.

“Well, that’s it then.” He said. He looked Thomas in the eye. “Thomas, thank you for everything. I will come back one day, once I have found her, I promise.”

“She’d better be as pretty as you say she is, then I’d like to meet her.” Thomas smiled. He stepped forward and embraced his friend. “Godspeed.”

“You too…”

The two men let go of each other, and without need for any more words; Anthony stepped outside to begin his walk to Moorhill.

Chapter 10

Moorhill had only one tavern and that was where Anthony was planning to go first. He didn’t really frequent the place but he knew that if anyone in town ever needed something, whether materialistic or otherwise, the tavern was the place to go.

Once he approached the place he saw a pair of horses tied up outside. He thought maybe he was in luck and whoever owned these horses would be willing to sell it to him.

He reached out to open the tavern front door but someone was making his way out at the same moment. The man seemed a bit drunk as he haphazardly bumped into Anthony on his way out.

“Hey, watch it!” the man slurred. Anthony didn’t think much of it and took a step towards the door. But before he could do so, the drunken man grabbed him by the shoulder and turned him around to face him.

“Could you please….”Anthony said, but the man cut him off.

“Well I never…” he said slowly.  Anthony fell silent and swallowed; he never saw pale blue eyes being so ablaze with anger.

“I figured you were dead.” The stranger said, while still holding Anthony’s shoulder in a firm grip. “I was glad for you that you were because I would have ended you myself otherwise you little rat!”

“I don’t know what you are talking about…” Anthony said truthfully. He tried to dig into the still dark part of his memory to remember where he has seen this man before. He was faintly aware that he had, but had no idea who he was.

The stranger pinched Anthony’s shoulder hard. “Don’t lie to me…” he said with gritting teeth.

A few other men emerged from the tavern, wobbly and slurring. One of them saw the man who was holding Anthony down and said: “Henry, what’s going on?”

Henry let go of Anthony and pointed at him with an unsteady hand.

“This man here,” he stated with a loud voice. “Is Anthony Kacher. Crestgate’s lighthouse keeper. The same lighthouse keeper who is responsible for the deaths of all souls aboard the White Pearl last New Years. The death of my wife… the same wife he screwed with mere hours before the tragedy occurred.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about…” Anthony said again while fear was building up inside him like a wave that was ready to crash.

“Anthony…” Henry said while taking a step closer to him until their noses almost touched. “You should have stayed dead.”

At this point he could have anticipated it, Anthony thought while Henry’s inevitable fist came in painful contact with his jaw.

Anthony was thrown to the ground by the punch, spitting blood. The other men dragged him to his feet. One of them looked Anthony in the eye and said: “My little brother was on that ship, you murderous bastard!” and he banged his head against Anthony’s.

The horses where neighing and staggering while the men threw themselves upon the former lighthouse keeper.

This is it. I’m going to die… he thought while punch after punch landed on his body. He closed his eyes, waiting for it to be over.

A flash of flowing brown hair, a shimmer of green eyes and the sound of a young lady’s laughter filled his mind.

He couldn’t give up now. He had to find her first. His life depended on it.

Strengthened by the memory of the dream that was his source of living for the past months, he flung his fists towards the men beating him. He managed to hit one in the nose and in a moment of confusion, managed to break free of the onslaught of punches.

Blinded by rage, fear and desperation he sprinted to one of the horses. With one swift movement he untied the animal from the wooden post it was tied to, jumped on its back and sunk his heels in its sides.

“That’s my horse!!” one of the men behind him shouted as the he and the horse took off, leaving a trail of dust behind them.

Anthony drove the horse to its limits while he quickly let the town of Moorhill behind him.  Once the town was out of sight he let himself collapse over the horse’s neck.

“First I was a murderer. Now I am also a horse thief. I might as well shallow my own grave at this point.” He said to himself.

He rode for a day or two across the moorlands and gently sloping hills with the horse he had stolen. He had to admit it was one fine specimen he picked. A chestnut coloured stallion with flowing black manes.  It didn’t seem to care who its owner was or where he was leaded to, and that was fine by him.

He roughly knew the direction of where Oak’s Hollow was located but soon he had to acknowledge he was lost.  Fields of heather and muddy dunes were stretching out in every direction and he had no idea which way he had to turn. He had no other choice but to keep galloping until he reached something. Whatever it may be.

On the third night of his flight he rested under tree who’s leaves had turned umber. Again he dreamt of his dream girl. He felt he was close to her… so close.

But who was she? Who was she... was the question that kept haunting his mind. A possible answer to that question annoyingly poked his conscience but he tried to ignore it.

That Henry fellow who beat him up back in Moorhill had accused him of sleeping with his wife, who was aboard the White Pearl when it sank.

Anthony couldn’t bear the thought he might have been messing around with a married woman, whether he was aware of it at the time or not.  He wasn’t like that. And was it her? Was his dream lady Henry’s wife?

It was a question he rather not know the answer to. His dream lady wasn’t the cheating type. She just couldn’t be. 

Before he fell asleep he saw her standing in front of him. Tears streaming down her beautiful face. “… I will be yours forever. I promise you that.” He heard her say.

Chapter 11

At long last Anthony had wandered from the moorlands back to the sea.  He roamed the beaches, not really knowing what he hoped to find there. Somehow it felt safe to be close to the sea, which was ironic taking into account what it did to him.

At some lonely moments he could picture his love rising from the sea, beckoning him like a siren and taking him away to some kind of heavenly place. It was a vision that again felt so real.

Every time he saw her face in his mind he had a sense that it guided him. The closer he got to his goal, the clearer she became. As if she left a trail in her wake that fed his feelings.

It was a thought Anthony hoped was true, how crazy it might seem. The ocean had guided him to his fate before and he let it guide him again. So he kept on following the shoreline, riding the horse he had stolen.

The muddy sand made sucking noises underneath his boots as he walked beside the horse one evening. Twilight had set over the sea and he figured his steed needed a break.

His gaze was turned towards the ground to make sure he didn’t loose his boots in the muck. But there was something in the corner of his eye that caught his attention.

He looked up and trough the hazy settling darkness he saw the faint glow of a light.

He mounted his horse and send it galloping towards the light. It seemed to be coming from the sea itself. A ship, perhaps? 

Pretty soon the contours of an island emerged that was connected to the shore by a few yards of shallows. The light was shining faintly at the far end of the island, a short mile or so away.

As he came closer he saw that the light came from an open window of a small cabin, much like the one that Thomas lived in. He figured it must be the home of some other fisherman.

He dismounted his horse and made his way to the door of the cabin. His heart started pounding and he became nervous. But for what reason he couldn’t really say.

He knocked on the door and was surprised when a high, female voice responded from inside.

“Who is it?” the woman said. Anthony heard her voice shake a tiny bit, as if she expected trouble.

“I just want to ask you something. I’m looking for….” He couldn’t continue. His words were lost as his mind simply stopped functioning. So was his heart, it seemed. The idea that presented itself in his mind seemed to hit some kind of barrier or disbelief and so he wasn’t even really aware of it.

It stayed silent for a while on both ends of the door. Anthony heard footsteps on the other side and his heart jumped as the door opened in a tiny crack.

“Go away.” The woman said. Her eyes looked frightened but quickly turned to curious.

Without fully knowing what he was doing, Anthony slowly swung the door further open. The woman let him, but with caution. She observed him as he couldn’t do anything else but stare at her, and let every detail of the woman sink into him. From her wavy brown hair and green eyes to the slender grey dress she was wearing. Behind her a baby started crying.

All of his final lost memories entered his numbed mind like a warm and gentle wave.

Her name...

“Joanna….” He stuttered.

Joanna blinked in surprise but then it slowly seemed to dawn on her. Her mouth fell wide open as she mumbled back: “….Anthony?”

Anthony couldn’t help it. Every bit of insecurity, fear and doubt he had in the past months flowed out of him. Sweet relief and bliss took over his whole being, and with tears streaming down his face he locked Joanna in his arms.

Joanna locked her doors and windows after she finally let Anthony in, hastily drying her eyes with her sleeve in the meantime.

“I’m so sorry that I told you to go away. No one has found me here yet and I’d like to keep it that way.”

After she closed the final shutter Anthony pulled her close to him. Now that he had found her he couldn’t let her go, not even for a second. He kissed her hair and said: “I was so afraid I had lost you forever…”

Joanna freed herself from his embrace. “I thought the same of you. What has happened? How did you find me?”

“I simply followed you, it seems.” Anthony said mysteriously. Joanna gave him an odd look. “I can’t explain it otherwise.” He continued. “I went out to look for you and something drew me here. I’d like to think it was even the sea itself.”

“That’s so strange…” Joanna pondered. “I thought the same. I went to the shore and followed the beach until I reached this island. I found this empty cabin and, well, I had to make something out of it.” She gestured to the shabby interior.

“I was so lucky though.” She said. “I don’t know exactly why it happened on this exact place but things kept washing ashore. Things I could use, like what seemed to be a sail from a ship. I’d be damned if that didn’t came from the White Pearl…”

“The Pearl…” Anthony silently said. “How in heavens name have you survived that crash? You were on that ship, weren’t you?”

“Indeed, I was.” Joanna said. “I was on the deck just before the ship hit the rocks. I quickly jumped into a dinghy that was hanging from the side. The rope snapped and the dinghy collapsed to the water. That’s the last thing I remember before I woke up at… at this horrible place.”

“The asylum.” Anthony added. “I know. I heard that you escaped there so that’s why I started looking for you. I didn’t even know you were alive before then.” He hesitated. Should he tell her that he didn’t remember her at all? 

But Joanna smiled faintly. “That’s where I had him.” She gestured towards the small crib that was standing in the corner of the room. The baby that was lying there was moving silently. “I don’t know why but every time I looked at him it seemed like I regained pieces of my mind. When I woke up I couldn’t even remember my own name. I didn’t tell the people at the asylum that I slowly started to remember things. They took care of me as long as I acted that I couldn’t do anything on my own. Once I felt strong enough I took my son and went.”

“I kept dreaming about you.” Anthony said. “I could see your face in front of me. That’s what made my memory come back.”

Joanna looked at him. “You also lost your mind? What happened?”

Anthony sighed deeply. “I’m not proud of it… Come sit, down, I’ll tell you everything.”

They sat down on the stools made of driftwood at a small table and he started to tell her everything. How Henry had beat him up and how he desperately tried to reach his lighthouse after that. How he failed, causing the ship to crash. About his imprisonment, the trail and his attempt at suicide. Joanna gasped when he came to that point.

“You never should have done that!” tears were swelling up in her eyes.  “How could you deem your life so worthless?”

“I had the blood of so many people on my hands.” Anthony said sadly. “The judge declared me a free man but the town didn’t. I couldn’t live with myself any longer. Not only for what I had caused. But I had lost you… they named you among the casualties.”

“Does Henry know I’m alive?” she suddenly said. “Oh God… if he knows!”

“He doesn’t.” Anthony quickly assured her. “He knows I am, though. I’ll get to that…”

He continued explaining how Thomas had found him. How he slowly regained his memory and his dreams about the ship and about her.

“I hope you can forgive me for this, but I didn’t remember who you were.” He said. “I saw you in my dream but I couldn’t recall where I knew you from. I knew for certain that you were important. Nothing made me happier than dreaming about you. When I heard of your escape I knew for certain it was the same person I kept dreaming about, but it was only when you opened the door just now that I remembered everything…”

Joanna’s eyes widened. “Me too…” she said. “I remembered your name. That was all I could recall…”

“Anyway, when I took of to find you I bumped into your ex husband. He recognized me and wasn’t pleased to see me at all. I managed to escape by stealing the horse of one of his companions and I took off. And that brings me here.”

Joanna’s tears were now flowing freely. “Your story makes me so sad.” She said. “You didn’t deserve all this.”

“It’s over now.” He said softly. “We’re together. That’s what matters.”

Joanna smiled, and from the corner of the room her baby boy started crying.

“Excuse me.” She said as she got up to fetch her son.

She picked him up from the crib and shushed him quietly. She walked back to the table and handed him over to Anthony.

“When he was born I didn’t remember much yet.” She said. “There was only one name haunting my mind again and again. It seemed only fitting I would give him that name.”

“No… you didn’t?” Anthony said smiling as he cradled the little boy in his arms.

“This is little Anthony.” Joanna said proudly.

Anthony looked at the little boy and the baby stopped crying. His little hands were reaching out to touch Anthony’s face.

“He doesn’t have to know…” Joanna said.

“Then we won’t tell him.” Anthony replied. He looked back at the boy and discovered it only took a little imagination to notice their eyes looked similar.  “A new face of me….” He smiled.

Epilogue

The winter that came after was harsh, but the little family managed. Anthony had built a fireplace at the side of the shack that kept them warm enough. They found out that they weren’t actually that far from Oak’s Hollow after all. If Anthony had only followed the beach a few miles further and then went inland for another mile he would have rode right into town. The stolen horse proved his worth by carrying Anthony back and forth into town for supplies.

They stayed at the cabin however. It felt good living close to the sea and as long as Joanna didn’t show her face in public too much she would be safe from Henry Coldhill. Thank goodness Anthony hadn’t seen him anymore either.

He had cut his hair shorter so people in town wouldn’t recognize him as quickly if some people perhaps were looking for him.

Almost a year worth of experience in the fishing and trading business kept the food on the table. Anthony sometimes made use if his old alias Christian Carter and did odd jobs for people under that name.

Finally the shore started thawing somewhere in the end of March.  Anthony had build a small deck leading into the water and he was now saving up for a decent boat.

One clear morning he found Joanna standing on that pier, gazing towards the horizon.

He approached her and saw her throwing something in the water. He stood behind her, wrapped his arms around her waist and placed a small kiss in her neck.

“What are you doing?” he said.

“Nothing in particular.” She replied.

“Then what did I just saw you throw in the water?”

She turned around to face him. “My mother is still out there somewhere you know,” he said. “Somehow I want her to know I’m alright.”

“I don’t believe you can ever get a message over to Crestgate without Henry Coldhill intercepting it somehow. He’s got that whole town in his pocket. Anthony said sympathetically

“He won’t find out.” Joanna assured him. She gave him a quick kiss and walked back to the house.

Anthony stayed behind for a little while and stared at the water, his hands in his pockets.  He saw something bobbing up and down in the distance while the stream carried it slowly further and further away. 

The vial containing a small note would float on the gentle tide for quite a while. For now, only the eyes of the sea itself would be able to read it. Three little words about three people, whose lives were now hidden for the world and became nothing more than a story on the other side of the sea.

We are alive

The end.